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I Think I’ve Felt This Way Before

02-May-08

It’s somewhat depressing to remember that just approximately 6 months ago I was draped in a too-big but sinfully comfortable yukata after an indulgent half-hour at the hot baths, lying languorously on the bed in a Japanese hotel room and streaming music from my friends back in Singapore via Simplify Media while surfing the Internet randomly. It was snowing heavily outside, and everyone else was sleeping soundly - indeed, it was 2 AM.

I contrast the serenity I felt then with the ennui that plagues me now; it is disheartening. I remember poring over the treasure trove of photographs taken during the day. Now I hardly even have the time or motivation to take the Nikon out for a brief spin. All I have troves of now are uninspiring but important assignments that the perfectionist part of me is reluctant to touch yet obsessively adamant on mastering.

A shitty poem of mine that possibly suits this torpor:

Shine your promise on me
Muse, I don’t think I can
Live any further than the door
Out of my room of doubt and misery.
I can’t see the ends of my
Tapering fingers, though I can
Feel where they touch.
It’s invariably slimy these days,
Seems like I’m stuck in a rut.

It’s five days to my birthday and boy does it suck.

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Picking Up The Pieces

30-Apr-08

I bought a replacement stylus for the mobile today. However from the past week’s experience it seems that I am rather adept at operating it using only my fingertips. Still, despite my veritable skill at Graffiti (I love that Microsoft preserved this method in Windows Mobile despite Palm themselves replacing it with the comparably inelegant Graffiti 2) input sans stylus, the screen was getting a little too smudgy for my liking. The new one isn’t made by HP, though, it doesn’t fit in as satisfactorily snugly - but I guess it’s pretty much secure enough. Still, it’s the little details like that that make my day; I want everything I handle to be bespoke, crafted so meticulously it brings tears to the eyes of even the most experienced of Savile Row tailors by the sheer magnitude and impossibility of its perfection.

I didn’t originally intend to take advantage of Ben and Jerry’s ‘Free Cone Day’ today, but eventually did, with Mel, Steph, and Ted Kin; City Hall station is pretty convenient for me, and I had to procure my aforementioned stylus in the area anyway. Thankfully the winding queue that had formed snaking around Raffles City mall’s basement level was quick-moving despite appearing deceptively long. My only qualm with the free cone of New York Super Fudge Chunk I received was the residual adhesive I think I ingested. It still tasted fairly excellent, nevertheless. It was fortunate that we got our share early - as the evening wore on, it seems, the crowd increasingly swelled with the sort of obnoxious simpletons you would usually avoid queuing with, and by 6.30 PM or so the chain had deteriorated into a sort of mass mess.

I’ve taken to writing more in my poetry/prose/metaphysicalramblings journal quite comfortably as of late. My pen usually ravages its virgin pages at 2 to 3 AM, thereabouts - after the varied pressing concerns of the day spontaneously segue into the hazy lucidity of insomnia like cold milk flooding crisp breakfast cereal. Unfortunately this tome of my half-consciousness is not of sufficient quality for me to be proud of, yet, at least. I shall spare everyone the details.

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She’s My Hero

25-Apr-08

There is nary a person as brave as Grace Wang.

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Aquarium Anew

19-Apr-08

So the sight of the empty tank lying fallow finally got to me, after all these months. I decided to introduce some life, once again, into my room.

The new Genesis took fifteen minutes, most of which were spent requisitioning fish from the pond. I even have a token tadpole. They’re fairly happy with their new home, as far as I can tell, even if the water is tinged with a copper hue, likely due to the driftwood. I quite like the colour scheme as it is now, actually, it’s very… Ubuntu?

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Incursion

14-Apr-08

The man from the country has not expected such difficulties: the law should always be accessible for everyone, he thinks, but as he now looks more closely at the gatekeeper in his fur coat, at his large pointed nose and his long, thin, black Tartar’s beard, he decides that it would be better to wait until he gets permission to go inside.

- Before the Law by Franz Kafka

As part of our ceaseless quest to uncover idyllic spots conducive to the production of high quality work, precious islands of intellectual serenity amidst the hectic zeitgeist of our busy little city, Patrick and I hatched up a plan to pay a visit to Raffles Town Club after school, in lieu of the usual Esplanade Library. We did this last Wednesday.

Yes, we actually played the part of pretentious pricks and did our schoolwork at the club. Or, at least, unfortunately predictably, tried to. But why even try? This is the club that tragically overpromised and underdelivered in its infancy; it was once embroiled in a highly publicized class action served by its own members. My father’s rationale for still keeping the practically worthless membership notwithstanding (seriously - about the only thing we go there for is the rather good Japanese restaurant), we figured that they shouldn’t be too discriminating about who they let in. Also, I might as well get our money’s worth.

Brandishing my dad’s tragically underutilized card, the security guard at the entrance - which, incidentally, was somewhat inconvenient to pedestrians such as us, being located on the side of the quadrilateral establishment the furthest as was geometrically possibly from where the bus stop was and all - did not stop us. I guess my practiced look of vaguely snobbish nonchalance can come in handy sometimes: perhaps it detracts enough attention away from my especially recognizable school uniform. This is perhaps also a good time to throw in the utterly random detail that we came across a person who had previously taught at our school right as we were reaching the gateway - we said hi in polite acknowledgement, not that we know her much or anything.

Upon reaching the imposing glass doors, with their comically badass twin guardian dragons in the Chinese tradition, that demarcate the interior of the club premises, the level of security was perceptibly increased: the doorman threw us a quizzical look of mild disbelief along with his welcome. Despite my quick insistence that I was going to meet dad who was apparently lounging about the premises for no reason at all on a weekday, I could not shake off the unsettling feeling of his supercilious eyes probing my uniform-clad self with disdain until I was entirely out of his sight.

There are a few major downsides to visiting a club on a weekday, and perhaps the most irksome is the lack of food and beverage of rational expense, or, maybe, it is the lack of any food and beverage at all. We should have had taken tea prior; the poolside cafe was largely deserted, save a couple of waiters who were rearranging the furniture, and we thus resorted to overpriced ice cream cones. To my knowledge, those were the only things that could be purchased with cash - everything else was either closed for the afternoon, or required a (my father’s) signature to charge the relevant exorbitant amount to the membership card.

Feeling thoroughly satisfied with our ice cream, not, we walked around the premises and eventually found an acceptable reading spot, and set up the essential laptops. NO WIRELESS INTERNET, much to our chagrin, UNLESS YOU GET A TEMPORARY LOGIN FROM THE COUNTER. Which had staff who were preternaturally suspicious of schoolboys.

This post is getting unbearably tedious to write; I’ll just conclude with the observation that the Internet thing pretty much sums up our experience on Wednesday: irksome. We didn’t even get much work done… ;_;

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More Than Just Mood Swings

22-Mar-08

It’s one thing when a pill you take makes you feel drowsy; it’s a whole new cathedral of bullshit when the pharmaceutical in question suddenly and potently induces lethargy just at the moment you resolve to start on work.

Why thank you very much, Fedac. Should I want to subject myself again to ‘disturbed coordination’ in future, I’ll try my luck with alcohol.

It was Good Friday a couple of hours ago. As anyone could guess I am not what you would call your average exuberant upper-middle-class protestant-or-independent-church-going quotes-Christian-song-lyrics loves-strumming-the-guitar repeat-chorus-ad-infinitum Singaporean youth - I ask (perhaps too many) questions and look/wait for the answers to this existential paradox, just as I suppose everyone does in his or her own way. Even then, I guess I have quite a few things to be thankful for, notwithstanding the mounting pressures of a hectic academic curriculum that seems designed to impel students to expand their vocabularies of swear words, if nothing else: I’ve actually made significant headway on some of my more important assignments, and have at least one already virtually confirmed for a distinction grade. I think the way the Catholics so fastidiously celebrate Good Friday and indeed the whole Easter Triduum is enthralling, and I would love to go through the motions in the future, perhaps when this backbreaking scholastic baggage is all shed and forgotten, hopefully bartered for a certificate with digits I will be proud of.

The events of the past week have been perspicuously illustrating, yet again, that the world is fundamentally ambiguous: a furore at school, Barack Obama’s outstanding address on race, the regrettable (and by that I mean facepalm-worthy) violence in Lhasa. This indeterminacy of the universe’s constructions plagues the mind and, by extension, the soul as well. A disconcerting ambivalence in feeling persists.

I am conscious but find no stability - I find no stability because I am conscious.

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Even My Poems Are Trite Now

01-Mar-08

I suppose it is telling just how enriching school life is when our clique’s fortnightly jaunt to the movies has degenerated into just one quick flick (Charlie Wilson’s War today - quite liked it), and then a hasty exchange of au revoirs after a brief post-movie conference that quite discourteously obstructs the escalator. These enervated goodbyes are rank with a thousand pressing matters individual to each one of us, but collectively they underscore some form of parodic empathy - our dreams are far from crushed, but working towards them is an onerous task indeed.

I sincerely wish to proclaim that I will not debase this blog by fashioning it into a jeremiad against these trivial student concerns, but unfortunately I cannot. Somehow, and not at all surreptitiously, ‘boring’ is becoming the perpetual word of the day. Goodness, what I would kill for a sojourn overseas, a brief respite…

I was going to write
My Extended Essay out of spite:
For the air conditioner, too cold;
And the impenetrable thick notes I hold.
But then I decided that wasn’t quite
Worth it - there were better things
To do upon a backdrop of catchy
Foreign music. Read Livvy’s poems,
For example - they’re sublime.
Or write one of my own
To pass the time.

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Wishing

27-Feb-08

Beneath an acacia tree, you watched the Singapore dawn burst from a tropical sea.
Who are you?
What do you dream of?
Was it you I saw in Rome? You sat by the Trevi Fountain in your Sarong Kebaya and cast a single coin.
What were you wishing?
Now, aboard this giant Boeing I see you again. You bring me a blanket and a pillow. And serve brandy with a smile to a tired father.
The brochure in my seat pocket tells me that you fly to half the world and more. But it doesn’t tell me what you’re thinking.
Who are you, Singapore girl?
When will I see you again?

Who are you?

1981 - preserved within the intransigent yellow-bordered covers of a National Geographic issue.

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123 Meme

21-Feb-08

I have a predilection for Internet memes, as everyone knows, but I don’t usually succumb to posting any references to them on this blog. Truth to be told I prefer the unabashedly inane sort so commonly found on message boards to the tedious radio button selection / random factoid generation that characterizes most blog memes. This 123 meme is intriguing, though - I’ll make an exception, then. Well, also because both Mel and Chun Wui have tagged me, and evidently I am one to succumb to peer pressure easily.

Instructions:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

Seems like the book in closest proximity is The Rise and Fall of the Great Powers by Paul Kennedy. Oh great, long sentences for sure.

Right, here’s the extract:

The expeditionary force sent to Flanders and Holland under the Duke of York in 1793-1795 had neither the strength nor the expertise to deal with the French army, and its remnant eventually came home via Bremen. Moreover, as so often happened before and since, ministers (such as Dundas and Pitt) preferred the “British way in warfare” - colonial operations, maritime blockade, and raids upon the enemy’s coast - to any large-scale continental operation. Given the overwhelming superiority of the Royal Navy and the disintegration of its French equivalent, this looked like an attractive and easy option.

Alright, now to tag five people, yes? I’m going to have to be the dead end here - blame my limited social circle and its constituents for not being avid bloggers.

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Disquietude

11-Feb-08

I so desperately need to get out and shoot some photos. Having to circumnavigate the mountain of school-related work by sacrificing sleep and relinquishing time spent on hobbies is, as Patrick would dub a certain teacher’s lessons, emasculating. As if I had much masculinity to lose anyway, ha, ha.

I want to exercise neurological pathways not associated with the incessant, banal tide of schoolwork. The ones concerned with aesthetic appreciation, philosophical introspection, and being au courant with what slices of the literary scene I chance by. Heck, I don’t even have the time or peace of mind (more the latter) to read the Booker prize winners, much less Marius The Epicurean. Nowadays there’s a constant radio chatter about in the recesses of my mind, and it’s increasingly in a foreign language I don’t understand, so that only its tone establishes a cogent notion: that I should be panicking, I should be more conscientious about stuff relevant to my formal education, and again the former as a consequence of the latter, etc.

I’m trying, damnit. But then again I would hate to leave this comfortable nest of adolescent inertia - I’ve so delightfully decorated it with the fruits of what I deem my creative process, and these contrivances repeat in my head, ad infinitum, for me to revel in my supposed genius (cue in self-indulgent laughter). As such a dilemma very homologous to the one encountered while confronting the Sisyphean task of my Extended Essay rears its head: ‘Wait, wait, I can’t take the eggs out of the basket now; I know it’s Easter, but they’re far too pretty!’

I think my bullshit needs to go on diet.

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